T-minus three weeks…
Yes, three weeks before I move to Sydney, Australia.
After four years of longing and desiring to be in that particular place, I thought that for a fact I would be ecstatic (which I am BUT…) to leave for Australia. But only one month before my departure I am ridden with feelings of inferiority, weakness, and worthlessness. I become afraid of not being fit to be there.
I feel every fiber of my being become filled with all of my insecurities. Part of me wants to put on my tennis shoes and run. Run as fast as I can from all this the Lord has set up for my life. A huge chunk of me wants to fast forward to see where I will end up, how everything will turn out. But I cannot for in doing so faith would be defeated. There would be no use in sub-coming and surrendering to the Lord… the point of faith is to grow in our relationship with Christ, because it is truly then that we begin to learn his voice and we become even more captivated.
I had posted in a previous blog on how God had provided a person that was going to Sydney as well. And instead of bringing hope to my heart, I began to sink. And sink hard. Upon venturing into his website I saw all the effort he had put forth, the faith on which he embarked. Surly, he is called to greatness I thought, but me? Not so sure. I thought many times on befriending him and genuinely telling him that I wished him the best.But my feelings of worthlessness seemed to get a hold of me and I quickly got off his site.
I hate feeling this way. Giving the enemy the victory before I even step into the armor of God. Though I know I am broken, afraid, nervous, insecure, I know that God will give way to something beautiful. No matter how many times I fall on my face God want’s to give me this experience for a reason.
I know David never would have thought he would be taken from tending sheep to being the next king of Israel.
I took you from tending sheep in the pasture and selected you to be the leader of my people Israel. I have been with you wherever you have gone….”
I feel like that is what God did. He found his way into my quiet, content, comfortable life and called me to leap. To venture into unknown places. I don’t want my fears to get in the way of a great experience. An experience of a lifetime.
Though David did not know how this would come about, he kept God’s promise in his heart and returned to tend the sheep. He didn’t worry about when or how was going to bring the promise to pass, but he knew he would. I know that perhaps there were days when David doubted, but I know God kept reminding him of the promise, because He is faithful.
I don’t know what God wants to do with my life there, but for the present time I will do my best to be content. To not squander the gift, and the time I have left here. God is faithful. And in the midst of my faithfulness to him, He will find ways to direct me and comfort me.
Like my dear uncle told me,
I’m just glad that you are somewhere in your life that is just marvelous. I hope you make it the better by cherishing all those feelings even the nervousness.
So yes, I will embrace. Not only will I embrace these feelings that are oh so frightening to me, all these insecurities and face them head on. But I will cling even tighter to the one who has called me. To the father of my comfort, my provider, my lover, my God, and my best friend…. Jesus Christ.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for
disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD.” [Jeremiah 29:11-14]