Living Martyr

Though Australia is a very beautiful place there are moments I just break down and cry. Yes, I said it break. down. and cry. Its funny how we can be sometimes, for the longest time I wanted this; to be here, in this place living out each day with Jesus. And though everyday  is about Jesus I find myself asking the hard questions, “What will I do after this year?” “God where should I go next?” “What do you have planned for me?” It is so easy to get caught up in the next big thing, in the next vision God has for me. Ive always been the person that sees the goal in the distance and works towards it…but now God has put on my eyes the ultimate blindfold. And I’m scared out of my boots.

For the past couple of days I’ve struggled so much with the idea of being here for a year, or even possibly more than one year. I miss a lot of things about home, my friends, family, home, and most of all the familiarity. And as I look back at all the freedom I had from jumping in my car and going anywhere, to being able to journey through life with the people I have known all my life. Its been hard realizing that I wouldn’t be a part of the many chapters unfolding in their lives. That I wouldn’t be able to do college with them, that I’ll be missing home on the holidays, and my best friends wedding in October. Its moments like those that make me miss home… that make my heart and spirit rather melancholic. But as I look back I realize that what I left back home was greatly of the flesh.

By flesh I do not mean temptations, rather everything that which was not a spiritual walk. Sure I had my friends, my job, my home, my comfort, and faith in God, but where was that raw faith. The faith that believed in the non existent and birthed existence? My life was comfortable serving in church here and there, pushing my brokenness aside and not fully dealing with it, living with toxic emotions that would not allow my spirit to breathe, to move, to have its being. I was not growing I was stagnant, dry, confused, broken, hindered. And though here I am still some of those things, there is one thing that is different. My. Flesh. Has. No. Control. Back home it was easy to hide away, to push my emotions because my flesh and physical being were in the drivers seat. Here in Australia, my Spirit is in control. If I have one improper thought of myself or others God right away sets me straight, if I do not feel like doing something the Spirits conviction is all over it. When I have absolutely nothing to eat faith is put in motion. When I feel like jumping on the first plane back home the Spirit soothes me. Back home it was all my way. Sure I had my relationship with God devotionals in the morning, prayer, praise and worship but that was all to a certain level. I would get caught up in work, school, church and put God on the back burner. Here God is in every moment, every snapshot, every thought, every motion. This is my spiritual awakening.

I’m grateful for all he is. I’m glad that though I’m far from my usual environment from home, God is free here. He can do whatever He wants whenever and wherever he wants. It reminds me that its all for a greater cause. In my Church History class we have been discussing whether or not prosecution should be legalized in most parts of the civilized world. Its interesting that once persecution stopped so did the rapid spread of the gospel. So as we sat in class and watched the pain inflicted on Christ we couldn’t help but grimace. In the midst of this I had two thoughts…

One: Jesus’ suffering and His crucifixion were an act of martyrdom for us, a broken humanity... this.blew.my mind…  it makes sense to die for something that’s true, holy, pure, worthy, loving (which is the essence of God)which most of us are willing to die for. But humanity? To die for something so imperfect, so dead, so severed… now that, that makes no sense. The definition of a martyrdom is, “the suffering of death on account of adherence to a cause and especially to one’s religious faith.” We were the “great” cause. Sure, I know the real reason God died was so that he could take the punishment for our sins and bridge the great chasm. But still the cause was us… he was martyred for his deep belief in us, in the belief of redemption and for the great love of the father for his children; for his creation. It is just breathtaking…

Second: Me being here in Australia is my living cause of martyrdom. My flesh and toxic parts of my internal being are dying at the hand of God. Every pain and suffering inflicted here is a living act of sacrifice, living out the belief in His cause.

What good would it do me if I was still home in my comfort zone dead but not alive in the things of Christ? How much of a greater testimony is it to non believers, that a person is willing to leave status, family, friends, stability all for this cause. There must be something true about this God. And even though there are moments when I have to sacrifice even the most basic of things and discard comfort… it is all for the glory of God for, “our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us..” It is like my Church History teacher said to us, “Maybe we are pursuing too much comfort instead of discomfort for the cause Jesus Christ?” BAM. Afterall, he suffered even greater discomfort for us the human race whom would turn our face, or deny Him as nails pierced his hands.

One thing I am sure of to suffer for the name of Christ is an honor I do not want to take for granted. To be counted as worthy to suffer for Him is truly humbling. I have laid down my life for this purpose, this cause and I will not relent until its completion… until God can truly say, “Well done good and faithful servant.”

God take it all… everything is yours…

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