I Miss You, I Love You, Like Crazy

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All I want is to run into the arms of my dad and tell him about how much I miss him… of how much I’ve learned about God and of his goodness…. I wonder if he remembers the times we would wash my car together as we splashed each other with water underneath the last glows of the days light… and I wonder if he remembers my laughter and the times we watched movies in the late of the night simply because we could…

I want to see the tall proud skyscraper that my brother is… to see all that he has learned and how much he has grown literally and figuratively. I want to know how many caramel Frappuccino’s he has managed to drink without me, and wonder how many moments I have missed out thus far… And I wonder if he still remembers the night before I left where all we did was eat McDonald’s and attempt to get through Edward Scissorhands before I fell asleep…

I wonder how many times she has walked into my room and stared at its vacant walls and the many books I left behind. I wonder when I’ll get to feel her embrace again and her light breathing. I wonder if she remembers the night she lay on the floor with me as tears rolled down my cheeks, wondering why this had to happen to me… or the many times I fell asleep with a study book underneath my arm and she would gently switch off the light… And I wonder if she remembers that we have the exact same pajama pants that bind us to one another still, amidst the long distance that is the Pacific…

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I wonder if they remember the last time we embraced at the airport as the security checkpoints distanced us… I wonder what they felt as I took the plane for the first time… and if they wondered at what God was doing… and when I would possibly again return to the arid, placid cactus land that is our small corner of the world, where the sun sets over the Sandia’s ever so perfectly that it almost hurts to look at them.

I don’t care how sappy this all may seem I miss them with in ache in my belly that hurts so intensely that it sends a current up to my heart. I know that this is all part of the journey, and that I should simply, “suck it up!” But frankly today I don’t care… I just want to let it out. To write it out. And when I look back one day I can realize how big a blessing it is to have family ever so close, that you can hear the snoring from down the hall…

I want to see them… yet I don’t know how much longer I will be here. Its all an unknown journey, and its all a step at time with a broken or full heart… when the only thing that is real is God… and everything else feel like the Sahara desert…. And when all you can do is cry out in prayer to God hoping he will hear you…

You don’t choose your family.  They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu

*All picture courtesy Pinterest.

 

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