Its two hours to midnight, and two hours to the completion of Christmas and my 22nd birthday. I find myself in a strange place of melancholy, reflecting on this past year and its hard to dive into the difficult feelings, those feelings that you know will pop out at you like an unnerving “Jack in the Box.”
As I think of the completion of 2014 and saying good-bye to 21 I can sum up this season in one word, “bittersweet.” Everything held in the tension of perfection and disaster.
This is what I am learning, in order to grow and for life to be embedded with meaning we must lay in the middle of the bitter and the sweet.
It would be so easy to dwell in what was left in fragments, charred and tarnished. Thinking back to my broken heart and the foreign pain that I had never experienced.
I thought I had lost. I thought it would never be okay again, but I learned that time and breathing do more wonders than anything I could ever imagine. And obviously an amazing God who reminds me to take refuge in his open arms.
It would be easy to dwell in the highlights. In the moments that were so perfect that I can honestly say that in those moments I felt alive and complete, in need of nothing.
Yet, I can’t have one without the other. This is due to the fact that everything I’ve experienced adds to the layers of who I am, to the lines on my face, to the sparkle in my eyes, and the wisdom on my tongue. To have only victories does not make one a skilled soldier, and to be forlorn doesn’t add any more life to your years.
In this bittersweet season I have felt like I’ve lost God. Lost him to a deep chasm somewhere in the ocean. Yet on the other end of this, I’ve learned that God isn’t a thing that can be contained, that could be fully understood, rather he is a mystery I am welcomed to walk into who needs no condition in order to love me fully.
I’ve dwelled in the bitter: broken hearted, lost, pressured, experienced loss, disillusionment, depression, foolishness.
and I’ve also dwelled in the sweet: trip to Michigan, new friends, awesome job, photography, passing stats class, great family, friends, pup.
Due to the bitter and the sweet I am one step closer to becoming the person that I am meant to be-with every loss and gain; from all the beauty and the ugliness and from the love of God, and my confusion in his plan.
This life isn’t linear, it isn’t black or white.
Rather it lays in all the hues and colors inbetween-and just like there are endings there is always a beginning.
All my love & see you all in 2015 sending my love and utmost blessings.